Saturday, January 31, 2009

Prepare Phase One...

and get me Doctor Doom.

Friday, January 30, 2009

This Week In The Funny Books: Jan 28, 2009

Another week, another $40+ spent on comics. I obviously don't have time to review everything I buy by Friday, so I decided to cobble something together to show you exactly what I bought.

On to the reviews!

Final Crisis #7
Writer: Grant Morrison
Artist: Doug Mahnke

What the @#$% is going on in this comic? The only thing I got out of it is that Batman is still alive, in the past, and chilling in a cave that isn't the Batcave.

Sometime soon I'll re-read the entire series to see if I can make some sense of it. Needless to say, all the excitement that issue six built out was completely torn down by this issue.

Superman #684
Writer: James Robinson
Artist: Jesus Merino

Three-fourths of this comic focuses on the Parasite and his man-crush on Mon-El, which isn't as interesting as it sounds. What was interesting is the New Krypton military parade marshaled by General Zod.

Yea, that Zod. Better get to kneeling bitches.

New Avengers #49
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Artist: Billy Tan

In Dark Avengers #1, Bendis did a great job of quickly introducing the new line-up. Basically he got the boring stuff out the way so we could move on to the action. I just wasn't expecting it to happen in this book.

Picking up after Luke Cage made a deal with Osborn to find his daughter, we see Osborn using his power as Director of H.A.M.M.E.R. to viciously, yet entertainingly, extract info from Skrull POW's to learn the location of the Jarvis-Skrull. After he's found and the baby is peaceably turned over, a well-placed sniper's bullet shows us that Osborn's Avengers is a group you certainly don't want to piss off.

Add Luke monkey-whomping Bullseye and Venom with the Wrecker's crowbar and Ronin deciding he ain't gonna take not more guff, and you have yourself one entertaining comic.

Incredible Hercules #125
Writers: Greg Pak & Fred Van Lente
Artists: Salva Espin & Clayton Henry

In great Marvel fashion, this book asks a question that has plagued mankind for ages: "Would you have sex with a hot-ass Gorgon chick knowing that she would be forced to kill you after you shazamed?" Remember, you're friends with Hercules and Namora, who took down Atlas by super-punching him in the crotch.

Batman #685
Writer: Paul Dini
Artist: Dustin Nguyen

A rhinoceros literally uses Hush as a punching bag, Catwoman frees some adorable animals, and Nightwing and Robin sport Chinese coolie hats to help them both escape the jungles of Vietnam. Need I say more?


And with that's I'm going to call it a night. Til next time!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

This Rap is so Perfect...

It's Retarded.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Stan Lee and Spider-Man...

kickin' it old school.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Iron Man Says


It is cold outside.

Luke Skywalker doing the best with
what he's got.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

This Week In The Funny Books: Jan. 21, 2009

Reviewing everything I buy in any given week probably isn't going to cut it since I barely have the time to read all fifteen issues, much less write about them, so I'm gonna try to focus on the handful of books that really jump out at me *cough* Dark Reign *cough*. Oh, and I think I'm going to buy a scanner, cause there is some goodness that needs to be seen.

Dark Avengers #1
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Artist: Mike Deodato

Everything from the plot down to Deodato's stellar pencils makes this book feel like a spiritual successor to Warren Ellis' run on Thunderbolts, which is most excellent. The Avengers have always been popular in the Marvel U, and now that Osborn (Green Goblin and current savior of humanity) is publicly running the show instead of hiding in Thunderbolts Mountain, things are going to get really interesting.

Also, the team plays host to no less than four psychopaths, so it's gonna be awesome when the shit hits the fan. Oh man, I can't wait for that shit to hit the fan.

War Machine #2
Writer: Greg Pak
Artist: Leonardo Manco

Picture Commando, the badass 1985 opus about a one man war on South American bad people. Now replace Arnie with a man-tank and the South Americans with a bunch of guys that would make Blackwater look a Sunday-schoolers and you have the basic plot for this book. But don't get me wrong, this is not a bad thing. If there's one book that deserves to have it's own heavy metal soundtrack, it's this one. I mean, this is a book where War Machine gets his legs blown off and and replaces them with a tank.

They see me rollin', they hatin'...

Thunderbolts #128
Writer: Andy Diggle
Artist: Robert de la Torre

Finally, Marvel's answer to The Suicide Squad.

Honestly, I haven't read everything Marvel has ever published, but a covert squad of badasses that's answers to Norman Osborn is news to me. Throw in the fact that their first mission is to attack Air Force One and kill the president means this book has "It's the SHIT!!!" written all over it.

Mighty Avengers #21
Writer: Dan Slott
Artist: Khoi Pham

I'm happy to see the real Hank Pym (the new Wasp) doing awesome science shit again. And I'm all for seeing more Hercules and Amadeus Cho. But seriously, what the hell is going on in this comic? While I'm ever-so-slighty intrigued by the Avengers tackling evil on a grand scale, it all happens with no explanation, and since the Scarlet Witch is involved and countless triple-A heroes ate it, I can almost see Slott's finger hovering over the reset button.

Speaking about the Scarlet Witch, where the fuck did she come from? After being gone for a couple years and supposedly not remembering that she was the Scarlet Witch, she just pops out of thin air and decides to go rallying Avengers cause "there comes a day when earth's mightiest must unite against some super-evil shit" or something like that. Anyway, the problem isn't the premise, it's how it's handled. This comic has a very silver-age feel to it, which doesn't seem to gel with the more reality-based modern era.

Also, I gotta give it up for Khoi Pham's artwork. Any artist that can draw a teenage girl that actually looks like a teenage girl is A-OK in my book.

The Amazing Spider-Man #584
Writer: Marc Guggenheim
Artist: John Romita Jr.

I can't be the only one who thinks that Romita Jr. was born to draw Spider-Man comics. The his artwork simply looks amazing (pun intended) and even though Spidey is doing Spidey-stuff for maybe three pages total, you can still see the kinetic energy that JRJR puts into the character.

Oh, you want to hear about the story? BIG disappointment after last week's issue.

It's not that that it's a bad story, it's just that this arc is supposed to answer all the questions we've amassed over the past year. Problem is, I don't care. The mystery of the Spider-Tracer killer isn't all that interesting, I'd actually be pissed if Menace turned out to be Harry Osborn (but who else is there?), and I really don't care who becomes the fictional mayor of fictional New York City. The only plot-thread that's vaguely interesting is Harry's proposal to Lily Hollister, who also happens to have a thing for Peter Parker.

All in all, I really shouldn't judge the arc based on teh first issue, but after waiting this long, I'd like to have some more plot development for my money.

Green Lantern #37
Writer: Geoff Johns
Artist: Ivan Reis

I really don't know where to begin with this book. It's simply amazing. With Green Lantern, Johns continuously proves why he is one of the best writers in the industry and why he's pretty much the architect of the DC Universe. He's been building one upon the developments of the Sinestro Corps War for some time now and it just gets better and better with each issue.

This is the way a superhero comic should be, with excitement brimming at the turn of every page. And with so many new developments occurring on almost a monthly basis, it's almost mind-boggling that Johns has been able to make the introduction of these new ideas as seamless as possible. And as for the story, you know the writer is doing something right when he has you cheering for one of the most ruthless groups of villains in the universe. It's good to see that the year-plus lead up to Blackest Night is paying off in ways that I couldn't have dreamed, but then again, that's why I'm not writing this stuff.

Alrighty, I think that'll be it for now. I still have a bunch of stuff to read, so check back, I might be updating sometime this weekend.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What Grinds My Gears, Vol. 1

Toy stores.

I'm sick of going out to buy toys, y'know cause I really need to spend my money on something, only for there to be a serious lack of anything I want.

But maybe it's not the toy stores I need to be bitching about. Maybe it's the stupid kids and their dumb-ass parents that need to be slapped upside the head. Someone's to blame when Walmart has a bigger WWE and Naruto selection than Marvel and DC. And don't get me started about the actual toys they do have on the shelves. I've been buying Mighty Muggs since May and haven't touched the Hulk, what makes anyone think that I would want to buy it now? I want my Hulk to look badass and imposing, not freaking retarded. And as you can see, I'm in serious need of new Muggs.

I could understand not being able to find what I'm looking for at Walmart or Target, but Toys R Us? That's a store that specializes in toys! That's like going to a liquor store and only being able to find McCormick's (which really isn't bad if you run it through a Brita filter 3 or 4 times). Seriously, they always have nothing at Toys R Us. Just look at all the awesome stuff I didn't buy at Toys R Us.

Thank God for comic book stores, otherwise I'd have so much more money in my bank account.

Monday, January 19, 2009


"Meredith: it seems like sometimes his powers are more of a weakness, like the hulk, only hank is a sexy chunk o' man steak and the hulk is green.
Me: lol"

Friday, January 16, 2009

This Week in the Funny Books: Jan 14, 2009 Updated

For those who aren't familiar with my site, I usually make it to my comic shop every Thursday, so I'll try to get my reviews posted by Friday. Wish me luck!!!


Amazing Spider-Man #583
Writer: Mark Waid
Artist: Barry Kitson

Forget the so-called Spidey Brain-trust, Mark Waid could write every issue of ASM for the rest of his life and I think I'd be happy. Throw in some awesome artwork and one of the best throw-away lines in recent memory ("There's this place? Near my house? That sells helper monkeys? They are SICK!") and you have a comic that would certainly make Stan Lee proud.

As it turns out, there's also a five page back-up story featuring Barack Obama that was surprisingly good. I mean, sure the idea that a super-villian masked as Obama could become president is ridiculous, but so is Obama fist-bumping Spider-Man. (or is that terrorist fist-jabbing?)

G.I. Joe #1
Writer: Chuck Dixon
Artist: Robert Atkins

I'm not sure what I was expecting out of this comic. It's based on a property that I adored as a kid, yet the memories are far more appealing than revisiting the show. With that said, I'm still undecided about this comic. Given that Dixon is trying to put a more adult spin on the Joe's, I understand that it takes time build a good storyline, rather than simply blowing shit up to advance the plot (which he does poke fun at). But there was still a serious lack of action, save for what can only be called a Snake-Eyes cameo. I'm willing to give this book a chance because it's G.I. Joe, but if these were any other characters, I wouldn't be going back for issue two.

Final Crisis #6
Writer: Grant Morrison
Artists: JG Jones, Carlos Pacheco, Doug Mahnke

Throughout the five previous issues, there was always a feeling that something was missing, mainly because I lack an encyclopedic knowledge of the DC Universe. I mean, who the bloody fuck is Tawky Tawny and why the hell is he fighting Kalibak? (Also, who the fuck is Kalibak?) To add insult to injury, Morrison’s use of a fractured narrative did not make things easier to understand, as he frequently moved from point A to C and then back to B with little to no rhyme or reason. And did I mention that points A, B and C don’t actually occur in the same series? Yea, it’s pretty fucked up when you have to read like ten other titles to begin to understand what’s happening in the main story.

Anyway, here’s the thing, complaints aside: I thought this issue absolutely ROCKED. The story and artwork (regardless of how sloppy it is at times) are surrounded by a manic energy that can’t be compared to. After reading Infinite Crisis, Civil War, and Secret Invasion and others, this is the event comic that I’ve been waiting for. The fight scene between Tawky Tawny and Kalibak that I mentioned earlier is actually pretty badass. Plus Black Adam gets kicked in the face, w00t.

There’s also a scene where Batman goes Clint Eastwood on a god’s ass, which is better than a thousand puppies barking Jingle Bell Rock. This was the Dark Knight’s last stand, by the way, so let’s just say he goes out like a champ.

Action Comics #873
Writer: Geoff Johns
Artist: Pete Woods

It’s a little anti-climactic when Superman, along with the rest of earth’s heroes, faces down one hundred thousand super-powered Kryptonians, only throws one punch, and then the fight ends. Sure the Kryptonians just created their own planet opposite earth’s orbit, and General Zod, in all his awesome-ass glory, shows up at the end, but seriously, that’s how one of the best writer’s in the industry decided to end this ten issue epic?


Also, Pete Woods’ artwork looks like ass. I pray that my eyes never have to succumb to such torture again.

Nightwing #152
Writer: Peter Tomasi
Artist: Don Kramer

Then there was this time Nightwing sword-fought Ra's Al Ghul in the desert after Ninja-bowling with the 1960's Batmobile.


That's all for now folks. See you kids next time!!!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Ricardo Montalban - R.I.P.

Welcome to Fantasy Island indeed.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The juice. The precious juice...

I saw The Road Warrior for the first time last night... and it was FUCKING SWEET!!!

I mean who doesn't want to romp around in a desert wasteland decked out in leather armor while wrecking chumps with crossbows and boomerangs? And did I mention the gyrocopter? And that the driver hurls snakes at his enemies? Shit yeah he does!

But in all seriousness, if all we need is a little nuclear war for the term "Humungus" to be both feared and revered, I say bring the bitch on.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

And I'm Back

Is it a bit presumptuous to think that anyone truly gives a shit about my wondrous return considering I had, at the most, five readers when I left?

I don't think so.

It's Sunday, and I'm sitting here watching the pre-show for the Golden Globes wondering to myself, "why the hell am I watching the pre-show for the Golden Globes?" So you can tell I have plenty to talk about. All kidding aside, if you're reading this, it's because you Googled something random about comics, or clowns licking meatballs, and stumbled upon my little slice of heaven. So if you're here for the comics, welcome. And if you Googled clowns licking meatballs, what the fuck man, what the fuck.

Anyway, check back soon, I swear I'll have some comics related goodness coming right up. Til next time.


Oh wait, Megan Fox just called herself a tranny. That's why I'm watching the Golden Globes.